Lesson 1: Reframing Demand Avoidance

This first lesson sets the tone for everything that follows. Together, we’ll take a step back and look at demand avoidant behaviour through a new lens - one that moves beyond frustration or confusion and instead invites us into compassionate curiosity.

When a child resists something seemingly small - walking out, saying “no,” laughing inappropriately, or shutting down - it’s easy to assume they’re being oppositional. But what if those behaviours are actually signs of distress? What if they’re not saying “I won’t,” but “I can’t - not right now”?

In this lesson, we’ll explore four key ideas that can help shift the way we understand and respond to demand avoidant behaviour. By the end, you’ll be better equipped to meet students with empathy, not escalation and to see resistance not as a challenge to your authority, but as a signal of a need that’s waiting to be understood.

Watch the video

This short video walks you through four core reframes that can transform your approach to demand avoidant behaviour. You’ll learn to recognise nervous system distress, reflect on your own responses, and begin to shift your mindset from managing behaviour to supporting safety.

Go deeper with the Companion Notes

The video is just the starting point. Your Companion Notes explore each of the four reframes in greater depth, with practical strategies, warm explanations, and plenty of space for reflection. You’ll also find helpful examples of what demand avoidance can look like in practice, from explosive behaviour to quiet shutdowns, and ways you can begin to respond differently.

You may want to read and reflect alone, or use the notes as a discussion tool with colleagues. There’s no right way to use them - just what works for you.

Apply your learning with the Prompt Sheet

This practical resource supports you to notice and reframe behaviour in real time. It includes examples of what you might see, and what might actually be going on beneath the surface. It's organised into three helpful categories: outward resistance, flight or shutdown, and masking/distraction.

You’ll also find reflection prompts to support your thinking, either individually or with your team. It’s designed to make this work feel accessible and usable, not overwhelming.

Reflect and carry it forward

As you move into your next few days, notice the moments when a student resists a demand. Instead of asking yourself, “How do I get them to do this?”, try asking, “What might feel threatening right now?”

Here are a few gentle reflection prompts from your Companion Notes. You might like to jot down thoughts, discuss them with a colleague, or simply carry them with you as you notice and respond to students in new ways.

Reflection prompts:

• What demand do I make most often that might feel overwhelming to some students?
• When I see resistance, how quickly do I respond with curiosity?
• What small shift could I make this week to help one student feel more in control?

Sometimes, the child saying “no” is the one most in need of a “yes” - to autonomy, to safety, to being seen.